


My Words Like Silent Raindrops Fell

by Bluewic



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Adding tags as I add chapters, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28380309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluewic/pseuds/Bluewic
Summary: Thomas and the Light Sides just wanted Deceit to shut up. They got their wish. Can they live with the consequences of his silence?Alternatively: Deceit is one of three personas/jobs who make up Janus. When the unthinkable happens Thomas, the Light Sides, and the Dark Sides find the Janus is far more complex than they realized and have to re-evaluate their attitudes towards him in order to fix what's been broken.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	My Words Like Silent Raindrops Fell

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [stitched shut](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756435) by [peachsneakers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers). 



> Thank you for reading! I wrote this first chapter while listening The Sound of Silence by Disturbed on loop. Fic title and chapter titles will probably all come from that song.
> 
> This takes place after the Intrusive Thoughts video
> 
> Word Count: 3,860

Thomas can't pass judgment on a Side if he doesn't know they exist. Janus/Suppression has been telling the other Dark Sides this for years when asked why he suppresses them. Of course there's more to it than that, but that's the reason that's been haunting him lately.

Thomas's opinion holds far more sway over the Sides than any of them would like to admit. It fuels Patton's seemingly endless energy and Thomas can argue as long as he wants that he doesn't have a favorite, but the fatherly Side is never without anything he wants for long and his control over the magic of the mindscape is unparalleled. For Roman it manifests in the form of The Imagination: a nearly limitless realm of creation for him to manipulate however he pleases. It's affects on Logan come in the form of an endless library and access to knowledge he probably shouldn't realistically have in the first place. And Virgil? Thomas's official acceptance of Virgil took him from rags to riches in less than a day.

Janus isn't so lucky.

He had hoped, after watching Virgil practically destroy their rigid social structure, that his worries had been based in paranoia. Even when Anxiety was considered a villain Thomas hadn't hated him so much that he'd fully rejected his very right to exist. Thomas isn't the kind of person who could entertain that kind of desire. He would never do that. Right?

That's what Janus had thought going into this. Virgil had paved the way, despite Janus's extensive efforts to keep him from even trying. Maybe . . . maybe it wasn't as dangerous as Janus had thought. Once he knew it could be done it became harder and harder not to try, especially while listening to the buffoons from the Light Side lead Thomas down a path that would surely end in self destruction. He was Self Preservation. How could he turn a blind eye?

He really wishes he'd turned a blind eye.

He hadn't been expecting acceptance. In his mind that was far too much to hope for. He just wanted to be heard. He wanted a chance to help his creator; open his mind to the concept that reality is too complicated to fit into black-and-white thinking. Show him that deception, self care, and selfishness aren't always 'bad' things. If all went well, maybe even bring up his suppression/repression issues and start releasing other Sides from his hold on them.

How naïve.

He hadn't expected Virgil's grudge to be so strong. Hadn't realized Patton is so close-minded and has such a strangle hold over Thomas's decision making. He didn't know Logan has a tendency to pick and choose his facts to support his friends these days. He definitely didn't predict Roman buckling under the weight of his own insecurities.

Janus sighs as he attaches another piece of metal to one of his teeth. If only he'd given up after the trial. Gone back to working in the dark and given Thomas the ability to deny his Deceit's existence that he so craved. No, he had to be stubborn. _But he was so close_. Everything he'd ever wanted was _right there_ , just out of reach! How could he not chase it?

More than that, _Thomas was hurting._ His core, his host, his creator, the entire reason for his existence was suffering. How could he walk away and do nothing, knowing he has the solution?

He'd forgotten the most important rule when aiding others with psychological distress: you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

The plane is going down and he is the only one who can see it. Thomas and the Light Sides are passengers who are adamant that nothing is wrong despite the fact that the proof is _right there_ out the window, if only they would just _look_. Janus is desperately trying to convince them to put on their oxygen masks. In his frustration and panic he forgot to put on his own.

He kept trying. When it became clear no one would listen to him he went back to impersonating them. He got better at it. It's just so difficult to infiltrate such a tight-knit group. They know each other so well compared to him. Even when he got away with it at their little meet-ups they just talked to each other later and figured it out. Most of the time he was caught, but sometimes he wasn't. He can appreciate his small victories. They still weren't enough.

Thomas eventually got tired of playing a game of Clue every time he had a conversation with the Light Sides and started summoning Deceit with the group just so that they'd know where he was. The reasoning behind the invitations aren't what he dreamed they would be, but that didn't stop him from being insufferably smug about it, at first. He finally had a seat at the table.

Except he didn't. It didn't take Deceit long to figure out he was there to be seen, not heard.

Everything he said was met with scorn and anger. Every idea shot down. Every comment met with hostility. Anything he said started an argument. It didn't matter what he said, they would disagree just to spite him. Once he tested this by informing them that the sky is blue. Roman and Logan went off on a rant about the subjectivity of different colors and how light is refracted to make colors and so, really, the sky isn't blue, it's many colors. That in turn set Virgil off on a rant about the 'do you love the color of the sky' post on tumblr. They didn't get anything done that day.

He switched tactics to reverse psychology for awhile. It worked - until it didn't any more. They stopped listening to anything he said and just ignored him. Honestly, (heh) he doesn't know why they thought that would work. Apparently they'd forgotten that he's also Suppression and that a major part of his job involves convincing someone to listen to him without them realizing it. Not paying attention to him makes his job easier in some ways. Just because they didn't listen doesn't mean they didn't hear. Refusing to consciously process what he was saying means that the _subconscious_ ends up processing his words and that is where he does his best work.

While they talked over him Deceit made a comment here and a little suggestion there. It was like cooking: Add a pinch of temptation. A dash of denial. Half a cup of self care. Two table spoons of selfishness. Three sticks of self worth. Mix into the subconscious and wait for results.

He actually got away with that one for quite awhile and Thomas was even doing a bit better! Well, all good things must come to an end. After that they didn't want him to speak at all. Of course, that didn't stop him, it just meant he was interrupted a lot. A lot of reminders that they don't care what he has to say and the occasional threat (usually from Virgil). He could take it. It wasn't starting to wear on him.

_"Shut up, Snake Face!"_

He'd tried using Speak No Evil to shut them up long enough to get a word in, but found that the more he uses it the more it aggravates them and he doesn't want to find out what would happen if things were to turn violent.

_"It's your quiet time, kiddo!"_

It's not like he has some evil master plan. He's a part of Thomas. He wants to help Thomas. That's literally what he was made for.

_"Your input is not required."_

An essential part of Thomas is being neglected, damnit! He's Self Preservation! This is his job! Please, just let him fix it!

_"Fuck off, no one wants to hear your stupid voice."_

He can't even get any words out anymore. He's shot down the moment he opens his mouth. When he does get a word in it always starts an argument.

_"Silence silver tongued serpent, before I slay thee!"_

If they would just listen they'd understand! He is not the problem here!

_"Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you! Permanently."_

He . . . he isn't the problem here, right?

_"Deceit, could I have just, like, one week when I don't have to hear anything from you?"_

_"Or a year!"_

_"How about forever."_

_"Forever does sound satisfactory."_

_"Great, we can scatter his ashes in the backyard."_

That conversation stuck with him. He tried to shake it off. Told himself it was just a joke. But was it?

He got his answer when he returned to his room later that day. A surprise in the form of a tug from within himself. A silent call demanding his presence. It almost felt like a summons, except instead of appearing in the real world with Thomas this one seemed to want Janus to walk somewhere within the mindscape.

Janus had never experienced this before but he vaguely knew what it meant. With little enthusiasm and no small amount of trepidation he left his room and let the pull lead him out of the Dark Side commons and into the subconscious.

The Mindscape isn't sentient, really. Probably. (It's best not to think too hard about.) It doesn't have a personality, but it does have jobs, of sorts. A lot of very convoluted jobs that essentially cover everything in the mindscape that the Sides don't do. Mostly little things, not even worth mentioning. Also a few big things that go beyond beyond the Sides' understanding. One of its jobs is similar to Janus's.

Janus has been doing his three-fold job as Deceit, Self Preservation, and Suppression from with in the subconscious for almost as long as he has existed. He even regularly uses the subconscious for his work, so much so that they have become interwoven. While Janus isn't the only Side using the subconscious for his work no one else's connection with it can compare to his. It only makes sense that Janus is seen as Keeper of the Subconscious.

If Janus is Keeper of the Subconscious then there should be a Keeper of the Conscious. Unfortunately the closest to that is Patton and he doesn't quite make the cut, so the job has been left for The Mindscape to fulfill. To know the job is being done by a non-sentient being(?) no one really understands is both troubling and comforting.

There are a few things the Sides do understand about this particular job. The Mindscape primarily covers the conscious mind as well as the few bits of the subconscious that Janus doesn't have control over. As such, a large part of the Mindscape is influenced by the conscious. Thomas's wants, decisions he's made, opinions he's thought through, things that he _chooses_. The parts of him that he's aware of. It's not just him, all of the Light Sides influence the conscious by living there and being connected to Thomas, so their decisions make an impact on the Mindscape, too.

Sometimes the Mindscape takes what it gets from the conscious and decides that something needs to be done that only a side can do. It summons them to where it wants them to be and gives them a vague idea of what needs to be done.

Roman and Remus were summoned to The Imagination and made their first creations. Remy was summoned to the Slumber Forest to make his first dream. Patton was summoned to find the twins when they were created. Many Sides have been summoned to Emile's office for therapy. Sides have been summoned for all sorts of reasons over the course of Thomas's life.

~~Sometimes Janus wonders if Virgil was summoned to the Light Side.~~

There was, of course, the summoning no on speaks of. Janus sometimes wonders if the thought of it haunts any of the other Sides even a fraction as much as it haunts him. A young Side who couldn't seem to stop crossing the line between the Light and Dark Sides. Never staying in the conscious or subconscious long enough to commit to one; never embracing both at once to be considered Grey. Always dancing back and forth between being Light and Dark. Summoned away by The Mindscape for unknown reasons. He didn't come back.

Janus had never been summoned by the Mindscape before. He was the Keeper of the Subconscious, it didn't make sense for the Side who maintains the boundary between the two forms of consciousness to be led around to fix things. That was his job!

Except . . . he'd been crossing that boundary, hadn't he? That can't be it, Virgil and Remus had done it, too! Only Remus was, well, Remus and connected to Roman, his other half. Remus could get away with a lot so long as Roman stayed in Thomas's good graces. And Virgil . . . maybe he'd always belonged there. Maybe he was just finally in the right place. ~~Maybe he was better than Janus.~~

What of Remy, Emile, and the other Grey Sides who move back and forth freely? They cross the line without a care! But Janus wasn't Grey. He'd always considered himself a Dark Side, although he had been hoping that contacting Thomas would allow certain parts of himself to behave more likes Light Side. He hadn't really stopped to think of the implications of that. Dark and Light, but not Grey. That sounded disturbingly familiar. 

On the other had, maybe this wasn't about Light and Dark and jobs. Maybe . . . it really was just him. His personality. Simply him. He was the problem here, at least that was what he'd been told.

He had a feeling he knew where he was going even before he saw the smoke. He'd been walking for hours through dark void and various random environments existing within the subconscious when he looked up and found grey smoke against the black sky. Still, he wanted to deny it, so he kept going.

A single three story suburban house with a lawn and white picket fence surrounded by black emptiness. Janus kept his head held high, though his hands shook as he unlatched the fence. The few steps between the fence and front door felt like an eternity.

He paused with his hand on the door nob. He could turn around and run right then. He could just go. But if he did he wouldn't know. A small desperate part of him was holding onto one last hope that there was something else in there. He had to know.

He opened the front door and walked in. Looking around he saw nothing out of place. Just an ordinary upper-middle class suburban house. He turned toward the staircase only to feel his last hope flicker out. He wasn't being tugged upward, instead he let himself be led out the backdoor. The pool would have been lovely, he was sure, if it weren't acting as the world's largest firepit.

The Phoenix Flame. Where the trash goes. Meant for destroying things in the mindscape that can't otherwise be recycled, so that the energy can be used to make . . . replacements.

The calling was stronger than ever and it wanted him to go into the flame.

Janus fumbled for a lawn chair to sit in. Thomas wanted him dead. Thomas and the Light Sides wanted him dead so that they could replace him with a new, better Keeper of the Subconscious. One they'd like more. They wanted it so much the Mindscape picked up on it and is trying to fulfill that desire even though it could temporarily throw everything in Thomas's mind into chaos.

They want him dead so much they don't care about the cost.

When did this happen? Why? He knew he was annoying, but enough to warrant a death sentence? What was his crime? Saying things they didn't want to hear? Caring too much? Doing his fucking job?

They hate him. They want him to die.

He knew that Virgil hated him. He'd hoped that would change. Keeping Virgil suppressed in the subconscious with the other Dark Sides was his _job_ and he did it to to protect _them_ as much as Thomas. From this. He'd hoped that with time Virgil would come to understand, but he doesn't blame him for holding a grudge. He'd come to terms a long time ago with the fact that some Dark Sides would never forgive Suppression for what he is and what he does. Still, Virgil had been a friend to other parts of Janus and it hurt to lose him. It hurt even more to remember that Virgil was the first he'd heard to start 'joking' about killing him. Did their past really justify this? He wasn't so sure he knew the answer anymore.

Patton had always clashed heads with Deceit, but Janus couldn't imagine that puff ball of a side hating anyone - much less wanting them dead! And yet, the proof was right here in flaming glory. Had he maybe gone too far in his efforts to get through to Thomas? Janus had always thought Morality's morals were a bit off, but they weren't completely wrong. Was Patton right about Deceit? Not his job - Patton didn't understand his purpose and had never even tried - but about him, personally?

Logan at least understood that Janus is necessary. No- Deceit is necessary. Self Preservation and Suppression are necessary. Janus could be replaced. To do that, though, would mean massive risks to Thomas's psychological health. Logan knows this and apparently he had decided the risks were worth it just to get rid of Janus. The two of them had never been close, but he'd assumed they had mutual respect for each other and their work. Would a new Deceit be enough to earn that respect?

Roman and he had spent decades on stages together. When it came to acting Creativity and Deceit went hand in hand, their performances heart stopping! And then . . . had he asked for too much; pushed to far? Roman always prided himself on being the hero. Janus enjoyed the concept of heroes and villains in stories but scoffed at the very idea of them in real life. Deceit _played_ a villain, for fun. Janus knew he wasn't one. Was he? He'd admit he manipulated Roman. Also tricked, insulted, bribed- okay, so he didn't have a spotless record, but it was all for important reasons! For Thomas! And maybe a bit of fun. It might be possible that Roman has justifiable reasons for sentencing him to death that Janus simply didn't realize were worse than he'd thought. Was the villain Deceit played really that different from Janus's actual personality?

Thomas may have given Deceit an hour of his attention once, but really his mind had been made up long before the trial and Deceit had been a fool to think he could convince Thomas to change it. Who was he kidding? He isn't Virgil! The others can pick fun at him for "botching" his introduction to Thomas all they want, but it didn't really matter. He never had a chance. Thomas's opinion had been set in stone the moment Janus manifested part snake, two faced, six armed, and with curly hair.

Thomas didn't have to say a single word (or even meet him) to make it clear that Janus is a villain. He was exactly what he was supposed to be and would never be anything else. That was okay. Janus knew that he was Deceit, Self Preservation, and Suppression and that every part of him played an essential role in Thomas. He's always known who he is and what he's here to do. He's Janus and he's here to help Thomas. He's here to do the ugly jobs that need to be done, but aren't appreciated. To deal with and lock away the unpleasant things that no one wants to know about. To provide lies when needed knowing that there will be no gratitude. To present ugly truths that need to be known, but no one wants to hear. To be the warden disliked on both sides of the door.

It was worth it, though! He got to see Thomas grow up into such an amazing person and even though he got no gratitude for it _he_ knew he'd helped make it happen. Thomas was somewhere between a god and a son to Janus. Revered and beloved. His work came from love and he didn't expect anything in return.

He most certainly wasn't expecting a death sentence.

If it had just been about his work, he could take it. He knew where he stood with his work. For some reason (despite Thomas not even really knowing Janus) this felt more personal. Janus wasn't as sure with himself as a person. Having three personas attached to his actual self took a lot of confidence in knowing one's self to function properly. This was making him question himself, and therefore his identities as well. It left him shaken and confused.

Thomas. His Thomas who made him and who he raised. Thomas decided he would like to have Janus die and be replaced. It could be a conscious or subconscious decision. Probably conscious, since The Mindscape was involved. Either way a decision was made on some level and he wanted it to happen so badly The Mindscape took action.

Janus stared at the Phoenix Flame. Would a new Janus have whatever they think Deceit doesn't? Would they really like him more? Would he be a Light Side? He'd probably at least be quieter. What if he was split like the twins? Deceit, Self Preservation, and Suppression. Would the Dark Sides like the new Suppression more? Would he even be able to handle them? Would he be better at it? The Light Sides would probably love the new Self Preservation, not that they'd ever met the original. Or maybe they'd ignore him, too?

Doesn't matter. The flame was calling to him. It had been decided that Janus was no longer wanted and was to be replaced with someone more suited for his jobs who could serve Thomas better. As a Side it was his duty set Thomas up to get the best he possibly could. Even if the best was a replacement of himself. He was obligated to step into the flame.

That wasn't going to happen.

Janus got up and turned his back on the fire. He passed through the house and gate, back into the subconscious and headed home where he knew there was at least one person who loved him, ignoring the calling and the pull that fought his every step the whole way. Because Janus is far too proud, selfish, and full of self love to do anything else and he isn't ashamed of that. He may have been feeling lost and confused, but he knew one thing: he will not step into that flame willingly. Ever.

Unfortunately, he had a feeling the Mindscape would not settle for that answer.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm experimenting with tenses in this, so that's thing.


End file.
